Dear Miss Velvet,
I am a cisgender dominant woman in a year-long power exchange relationship with a very willing, joyful slave whom I adore. Our values are well-matched, as are our kink interests, but I am running into a bit of a problem. About 6 months ago, I introduced a strap-on into our play. It was hot to have him suck my cock, and it is sometimes fun to peg him as a sign of dominance; but I don’t find it sexually gratifying. Unfortunately, this thing that I would choose to do infrequently is the very thing he seems to find most exciting. I have quit asking him about his fantasies because they always involve a strap-on, and it’s beginning to turn me off. How do I indulge his desires without losing all interest in our sexual connection?
Dickless Dilemma
Dear Dickless Dilemma,
Though you say your kink interests are well-matched, you describe a rather large imbalance in your interest in strap-on play. Do you know what it is about this sort of play that has captured his imagination? Perhaps it taps into his desire to be completely owned or dominated by you, perhaps he imagines that you find it deeply satisfactory, or perhaps it is something else entirely. The only way you will unlock this mystery is to talk with him. Choose a time when you are not engaged in play, and let him know you are interested in what is behind his desire. Listen without judgment, ask questions to delve deeper, and make sure you get clarification when needed so that you begin to understand what it does for him.
The art of dominance is also the art of the head game, and it sounds like that was the road you were originally trying to head down. Knowing what feeds his enthusiasm for strap-on play offers you the opportunity to use other play styles to elicit a similar reaction. Is he in it because he finds it humiliating or degrading? Try some piss play or spitting on him. Is he in it for the sexual gratification? Try having him fuck you with a plug in his ass or use chastity play to ramp-up his desire. Perhaps he sees it as a way to demonstrate his surrender? Try leading him around with a leash publicly or set a ritual where he kisses your feet. Find something that satisfies you, both in your dominance and your sexuality.
In addition, you need to have a frank discussion about what it does and doesn’t do for you. It’s not fair to allow him to continue to engage in behavior that is detrimental to your connection. It sounds like you enjoy playing into his desire when it’s something you choose, not when it is something he asks for. Make it clear that you are driving the bus and that you decide where to stop. Perhaps it could be a reward for good behavior or maybe it will always be a surprise. Either way, remember you are the Master, not a service top unless it is your desire to indulge your slave's fantasies.
~Miss Velvet Steele