Dear Miss Velvet,
My wife (F43) and I (M45) had our first experience with an agreed dom/sub dynamic last night. After 18 years together, I have accepted that she does not want to talk after sex; however, I am finding I want some aftercare in the form of talking about how much I enjoyed it, how it made me feel psychologically, and to discuss further activities and limits I would be open to exploring. Each of us have struggled with shame around sex from our upbringing, so talking about it has never been easy for us. Last night, I tried to initiate a talk and she had no interest and clearly felt uncomfortable. I am wondering for those who have mismatched aftercare how do you resolve it so both people get what they need?
Signed,
Chatty Chad
Dear Chad,
As you have intuited, it is important to have a post-play conversation about what worked for each of you, what didn’t work, what you’d like more of, and what you’d like less of. While you can roll this into negotiations for your next scene, it would be helpful to unpack those feelings relatively soon after playing. Having said that, some folks need a little time to sit in the feelings for a while before they are ready to talk them through. If she is feeling some shame about what you all did, she might want some time to work through that before discussing it. Give her a day or so before broaching the subject, and remain open and encouraging when you do talk with her. It is always easier to speak openly when we feel safe to be vulnerable.
When you talk, include a discussion about what each of you might need for aftercare. If she doesn’t feel she will be ready to talk right afterwards, perhaps you can write out your thoughts to discuss at a predetermined later time. That will give each of you time to know what you want to say. For some folks, having those conversations via text or email or a mutual google doc journal can be useful (keeping in mind that tone does not translate in the written word, which make check ins for hurt feelings very important).
It is also important to consider what she might need in terms of aftercare. Whatever would help her feel connected to you and reassured that she needn’t feel shame for what you all did, would also help her later open up about how she experienced the scene.
In the end, being able to be open with one another is critical to safe and ethical D/s. None of us are mindreaders, and we can easily cross another’s boundaries and limits if we are expected to just know how another feels. You are wise to want to have the conversation. I hope you will be able to help her feel safe to join in.
~Miss Velvet