Dear Miss Velvet,
I find myself in a conundrum and hope that you can offer some insight. My partner and I identify as polyamorous.
My partner has another partner which I am aware of. I was supportive of their relationship and even encouraged my partner to pursue it even though she had some doubts about the relationship (mostly related to age and life experience differences.) Almost everyone we know socially either identifies as ENM or is at least ENM-aware and tolerant. Everyone we know is aware of the poly situation and it's common for the three of us to attend social events together in public spaces. In those situations, it is rather normal for the two of them to show each other affection, acknowledge their relationship, and so on. So far so good right? Well, not so fast, here's where I need your help.
Even though my partner says that "we" are poly, it feels like she gets to be poly and I'm supposed to be monogamous. Any time I suggest that someone we mutually know is attractive, I can count on my partner to act cold towards me and suggest that I am stepping out. A few days ago, we were all at a public event with our friend group and I was talking to an acquaintance when my partner approached, with her partner in tow no less. My partner didn't try to disguise her displeasure, and it was visible to anyone paying attention to the goings on. While I will admit that I find this acquaintance very attractive, we were in a public place and the only thing we were doing was talking. Later when we were in private my partner yelled at me that I was making her look bad in front of people.
At this point, I don't know what to do. My partner still insists that we're poly when I try to discuss it, but it feels like it's a one-sided polyamorous. If my partner is going to act insecurely when I even talk to someone that might be a potential partner, how am I going to ever be able to have any of chance of exploring my own wants and desires?
Intoler-amorously Yours,
Mr. Third Wheel
Dear Third Wheel,
Nonmonogamy can be hard, particularly when the rules are applied unevenly, which appears to be the case in your relationship. Additionally, it sounds as if your resentment is growing and potentially making those conversations more difficult and emotionally fraught.
I would suggest sitting down with your partner to discuss not whether or not your arrangement is fair, but rather what the guidelines and boundaries are for each of you to feel safe in exploring and watching each other explore new relationships. As much as possible, refrain from pointing out where reality has heretofore not lined up with these ideals, and instead focus on what that looks like moving forward.
For instance, if you meet someone you find interesting, how soon does she want you to let her know of your interest? In terms of public flirtation, how is she comfortable seeing you engage, and does this differ from how she would like to engage? How much contact does she foresee wanting with someone you are interested in? You are obviously very comfortable with kitchen table poly with her other current partner. Is she okay with you having sex or play with others but not a romantic entanglement? Or the other way around? Get down to the details.
If everything goes smoothly, and if you are able to let go of your current wellspring of resentment, you will have a clear map for the road ahead. If talking about it causes a fight, if you all, even speaking hypothetically, cannot find some common ground where you can discuss your own and each others’ wants and desires in very concrete terms, perhaps nonmonogamy is not a good direction for your relationship. The fact that she is already in another relationship makes this very difficult, as it would not be fair to that person to suddenly close your relationship.
This would leave you in a position of deciding what you want and how you want to live. Is being with her worth the price of being monogamous with a nonmonogamous partner? Can you be happy with this situation without resentment growing and poisoning the relationship? Don’t try to work through these questions alone. Find a good poly-aware therapist to help you find your way.
~Miss Velvet Steele