Dear Miss Velvet,
I am an inexperienced domme vetting my first sub online. Despite some insecurity issues on their part, I really like their personality and the stuff they are interested in. Our communication is really good so far. We both want long term exclusive partners, which is good, but it would be long distance because we are in different countries. Furthermore, I am concerned that some of our values do not align, and I don’t think I find them physically attractive. In short, I would like to find a way to let them down softly. I think they are really taken with me, and I don’t want to hurt them.
I am considering doing a small session with them to confirm my feelings that it won’t work. Afterwards I could let them know I have realized how important physical touch is to me and that I don't see a relationship working without it. I don’t want to lead them on any further. What do you think? What else should I think about? What should I say?
Signed,
Long Distance Regrets
Dear Regrets,
Please do not play with this person, even a small session. You seem very clear that you are not interested in forming a relationship with this person. Playing with them knowing this would be cruel. First, doing so would give them hope for a future with you. Second, BDSM play can engender strong feelings of attachment, which would make calling things off that much more painful. Third, a foundation of BDSM play is trust, and you would be demonstrating that you cannot be trusted to act in a way consistent with your intentions.
Be direct and honest with them. Saying you find them unattractive would be unkind, but you could say that the chemistry isn’t there for you. You could lean into your realization that you need a real life connection with your partner. To me, the most telling stumbling block is that your values do not align; if you are not walking in the same direction, you cannot walk together.
However you put it, be succinct. Let them know you have enjoyed getting to know them, but you do not think you are compatible. If you are interested in forming a friendship, let them know you are open to it when and if they want to reach out. Then wish them luck and avoid the temptation to reach out and check on them. It is never fun to be the one on the receiving end of such news, but it is theirs to digest and deal with. That is much easier to do when the person you are getting over does not keep popping up.
Going forward, try to find some munches locally where you can meet not just potential partners but also more experienced friends to help you navigate this world. And as you grow and learn, keep in mind that an important part of being a Domme is being able to clearly communicate your desires and expectations. Think of this as your first step on your journey.
~Miss Velvet