Dear Miss Velvet,
Do you have a moment to help me unravel some poly drama? I currently have a primary and secondary partner. There’s no drama there thankfully. However, recent circumstances have connected me with someone who I might be interested in. Thankfully my primary partner has been encouraging of me pursuing this person. However, my secondary partner doesn’t like this person for reasons that I don’t fully understand. It seems like my secondary is reacting to things that happened some time ago.
While my secondary partner hasn’t said no outright, I think she would be disappointed if I were to pursue the other person. Doing things that I have reason to believe would disappoint a partner in this way gives me pause. While I’m not sure how I would feel if the situation were reversed, I do hope my feelings would be important. What should I do?
Your faithful reader,
Compersion Aversion
Dear Compersion Aversion,
This is a tough predicament in which to find yourself. On the one hand, you don’t want to miss out on what could be a fulfilling new relationship because of some unnamed ugliness from the past. On the other hand, you want to avoid getting involved with someone if they truly are problematic for your partners and your values. You need more information.
Does your primary partner know this new person (let’s call them Tracy)? If so, what is their take on them? If not, do you have other friends that know Tracy who could give you an unbiased opinion? Regardless, you need to have a frank conversation with your secondary partner (let’s call her Dosy). Tell her that you are interested in Tracy, letting her know what about them captures your imagination. Also, ask Dosy why she dislikes Tracy. It matters if Tracy did something to mistreat Dosy or one of her intimates, but it might matter less if it’s just general distaste.
If you don’t already have them, this might be a good time to establish guidelines about how to bring a new partner into your life while also respecting the comfort of your other partners. I am generally opposed to veto power in poly relationships, but it is important for everyone to be able to voice their reservations or urge caution if they have negative information. Even if you then decide to forge ahead with a new relationship, at least you are doing so with your eyes open and watching for red flags, which otherwise can be difficult to do through the fog of New Relationship Energy (NRE).
Poly relationships can be difficult to navigate. Jealousy happens and not everyone will get along. Open and honest communication mixed with kindness and understanding will help everyone find compersion and increase the chances of lasting relationships.
~Miss Velvet Steele