Dear Miss Velvet,
Whenever I find myself around kinky people of all ilk, I have noticed that I hear a lot of talk about ideals like acting with integrity and being humble. However, when I watch what people do instead of believing what they say, I see them gossiping about other people in the community. I know that one’s reputation is important in our community and that calling out users and abusers is an important way to police ourselves, but I can’t help but think that much of what I hear is about lowering folks reputation for petty reasons like not liking their fetishes or wardrobes.
All of which leads to my questions for you. How do I make friends with folks who won’t tolerate gossip? Also, how do I make sure that everyone knows that I won’t suffer gossipy nags gladly?
Yours,
Desperately Seeking Civil Discourse
Dear Desperate,
Humorist Erma Bombeck famously said, “Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It’s gossip.” The kink community does not exist separately from our society at large, but rather it is a microcosm of it. As in all settings, gossip forms an unsettlingly large portion of community conversation. Indeed, it is exacerbated in the kink community with so many topics being off the table out of respect for personal privacy - topics such as work, children and family, and even real names. Instead people turn to commonalities for conversation, and all too often, those commonalities revolve around other community members.
Sometimes it can be difficult to determine if someone is discussing a friend with appreciation or concern as opposed to mean-spirited gossip, but if you are uncomfortable, change the conversation with statements such as, “well, I don’t really know them,” or, “I’m too worried about what I want to wear to have noticed their wardrobe!” Uncomfortable silence will starve the conversation of oxygen, and redirection to a more neutral topic might derail the gossip train. If you find they are determined to continue, you can address the question head on with, “I don’t discuss people who aren’t part of the conversation,” “I’m sure you don’t mean it this way, but that sounds like kink shaming,” or you can simply find a reason to excuse yourself. Eventually, they will stop trying to gossip with you because it won’t be any fun.
Making friends with people who won’t tolerate gossip can feel like an unattainable goal, but you can begin to cultivate these friendships by paying attention to who declines to contribute to the gossip or who finds reasons to walk away. When talking with folks, lead by example, introducing topics of news, questions of philosophy, and things that excite you. Approach people with a sense of curiosity, and invite them to talk about themselves; for most people, that will be far more alluring than talking about others. Finally, regard gossip as a self-selecting feature in building your group of friends, keeping in mind Eleanor Roosevelt’s assessment of interpersonal discourse that “Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.”
~Miss Velvet Steele