Dear Miss Velvet,
I have met someone. We are considering a very long term dynamic and commitment. Nearly everything comes together very well. We share kinks. Hobbies. Sex Drive. We have talked about our values; and, for the most part, differences are not too severe. But there is one huge, major difference where our values are not just different but directly opposed to one another. If most other points come together just beautifully, do you toss it all out due to a values difference?
Signed,
East of Eden
Dear Eden,
Core values serve as turn-by-turn directions in our lives, guiding us in the choices we make and how we move in the world. They help us make the hard decisions, even when we would rather not, because we know that is the way to be the sort of people we want to be. To be clear, these are not mere preferences but rather central to who we are and how we experience the world.
When you enter into a relationship, I think it is important that your values complement your partner's values - even if they are different - because you need to be able to support one another’s decisions and behavior. If your guiding principles are in direct opposition to one another, how can you possibly support behavior you find to be wrong, misguided, or even reprehensible?
This problem becomes magnified when you consider a power exchange or authority transfer dynamic where alignment of wills is a foundational element of the commitment. If you are the s-type, how do you submit or surrender to someone who has a value that is diametrically opposed to one of yours? If you are the D-type, how do you take someone into your service who you know cannot follow one of your tenets?
I think differences between partners can add to the spice of the relationship, but I cannot imagine entering into a relationship or dynamic where I don’t trust my partner to act in a way that is not in direct opposition to my values. What about you? Regardless of all of the other wonderful things, would you be able to maintain respect for someone whose road map takes them in the opposite direction?
~Miss Velvet Steele