Dear Miss Velvet,
I love attending classes. I like to learn and I love learning more about myself and my role(s) in BDSM. I have been in a dynamic for about a month now, and everything has been great except for one confusing aspect. My Sir/Master/Papa Bear says he wants me to take classes and learn. After I go to one, though, he says it’s a trigger for him, and I have to deal with him being down for several days. He says his life doesn’t allow him to go with me, but when I suggest he reach out to another Dom to ask questions and find a way to avoid being triggered, he says he is set in his ways. I’m confused. Am I a trigger? I don’t want to cause him harm in any way, but I want to be free to learn without the fallout.
Dazed and Confused
Dear Dazed and Confused,
Psychologically speaking, a trigger is something that causes a painful memory to surface or something that activates or exacerbates a mental health condition. It sounds like he is using this term to describe displeasure or unhappiness about you enhancing your knowledge without his presence, not that it is an actual trigger. It is important to listen to what his behavior says just as carefully, if not more so, as the words he speaks to you.
Only a month into this dynamic, you are already questioning whether you understand what should be a straightforward part of the relationship. His words are telling you that he wants you to learn things about your roles and the things we do, but his behavior punishes you for doing just that. If he lived up to his words, you would not be confused because his behavior would back them up.
It is a huge red flag when a dominant directly or indirectly limits a submissive’s access to the community, to classes, to outside information and influence. First of all, a power exchange relationship should enrich your life and satisfy your desires. He is trying to manipulate you into giving those up. Secondly, your submission can be both more informed and deepened with a wider breadth of knowledge; as such, he should be supportive and encouraging of you learning and growing as a submissive. He is also limiting his own mastery by refusing to seek out knowledge and community for himself. Lastly, isolation is a tactic used by a potential abuser to limit their victim’s access to support, information, and resources that could help them escape their abuser’s power and control. His behavior discourages you from making yourself available for knowledge and influence outside of the dynamic, which can leave you isolated and vulnerable.
Admittedly, we get into head games in BDSM, and things aren’t always what they seem. Having said that, your dominant should be earning your trust and making you feel safe in his hands so that you know however much he hurts you, he will not harm you. This man is doing the opposite, and I would encourage you to take a long hard look at whether or not he is the dominant you want.
~Miss Velvet Steele