Dear Miss Velvet,
I’m new to BDSM; recently I’ve found a Dom who is about twice my age (I’m 19). So far, we’ve played with light bondage, choking, and rough sex. He’s been patient with me, but I don’t think he can read my reactions THAT well to know when I'm uncomfortable. It all depends on me saying my safeword when needed. He told me he’s really into CNC roleplay. Personally CNC isn’t at the top of the list of kinks I’m intrigued by, I much prefer sensual/gentle domination. It’s something I’m willing to explore, but I’m not sure it’s something I’m into.
He wants to plan a scene where I leave the hotel door unlocked, he enters and fucks me from behind while I resist. Since this is my first time, I'm not sure what to negotiate and what to expect. How do I differentiate between the good kind of apprehension (the one mixed with anticipation), and real apprehension where I actually do not want this at all. I’m scared that if I feel actual fear/dread during the scene, I will gaslight myself into thinking that this is what CNC is supposed to evoke in me and not safeword out. How do I discern my emotions accurately in the middle of the scene where everything is intense and he’s being super rough with me?
Signed,
The New Girl in Town
Dear New Girl,
There are so many red flags here, I feel like I am watching a parade. Let’s start with a fully grown man wanting to play rape with an inexperienced teenager. He wants you to be unable to discern whether you are feeling titillated or violated, and he wants to be able to say you agreed to it. You are new to BDSM and do not yet know what appeals to you and what doesn’t. Slow and safe exploration of BDSM is fun and beautiful and serves to help acquaint yourself with your own inner workings so you know how much is too much for you. He is throwing you right in the deep end where you won’t know if you’re swimming or drowning until it is too late and incalculable damage has been done.
Second, CNC is edgeplay, built on a strong foundation of trust built by trustworthy actions. You say you have only recently met this man, which means you have not had time to have built that trust. Furthermore, he has already been pushing your boundaries to the point that you had to use your safeword. There is a sweet spot in submission where your capacity feels stretched, but where you do not break. He is not learning where that is but rather how hard he can push you to make you break.
Thirdly, he wants to plan a scene where you leave a hotel room unlocked and are approached from behind by him, unseen. There is no telling who might walk through that door, and you will not know until they are upon you. Why are you meeting in a hotel anyway? Do you know if he is married? Do you know where he lives? Do you know his real name? Do you know if he will keep you safe (hint, he does not; he is actively placing you in harm’s way)?
Please, please, run, do not walk, far away from this man. Find a munch in your local area and get to know some other submissives. Ask questions. Make friends. Having a strong network can help you find a caring and ethical Dom who will help you explore your interests rather than push his upon you. They can also help you navigate this new world you have found. It can be wonderfully fulfilling when you make sure to open yourself to pain, not harm.
~Miss Velvet