Dear Miss Velvet,
I am a 26F sub, new to the BDSM community. My daddy dom often gives me tasks related to public exposure for punishment and general sub tasks, even though I have a very, very low tolerance for public demonstrations. Even going out without a bra or wearing a very short skirt are intolerable for me. We have talked about this boundary many times, and he knows of my hatred for public exposure. Even so, he seems to use it as his main punishment because he believes punishment should be unpleasant and not something I like.
Unfortunately, I end up disappointing him a lot because I am either unable to follow his orders and perform poorly or I shut down entirely. Would it be out of line for me to discuss alternative punishment methods with him? If not, how can I learn to meet my dom’s standards?
Signed,
Public Embarrassment
Dear Public,
Any sort of power exchange relationship is built upon a foundation of negotiation and trust. Trust is built by respecting limits. Your dom does not respect your limits. By your account, you have thoroughly discussed your profound discomfort with public exposure, and he has witnessed the distress it has caused you. Even so, he continues to command you to engage in this activity. Every time he does that, he demonstrates to you that he is willing, perhaps even eager, to break your trust and put you in harm’s way.
Another cornerstone of power exchange relationships and indeed all BDSM play is consent. Punishments can be unpleasant and dreadful and painful IF AND ONLY IF the submissive consents to them. You appear to feel pressure to submit to these punishments; but not only have you not consented to them, you have emphatically told him you don’t want to do them. Pushing boundaries is okay (again, with consent), but blowing right past them is totally unacceptable.
In the negotiation phase of your dynamic, he should have worked to understand your soft limits (those that can be stretched) and your hard limits (those that must be adhered to), so that he would know the parameters within which he could ethically play with you - including punishments. Instead, it seems he has used that information to determine how best to torture you. You also should have negotiated a safe word that you can use at any time, whether during funishments or punishments. If you don’t have one, you have some serious conversations ahead, though you might also consider if you want a partner who is so cavalier about your fears.
There is so much surrounding your situation that waves giant red flags, from his ignoring your limits to your hesitation to have a discussion about alternatives. You need some information and support about how to engage in this play in a way that minimizes risk. Find some munches in your area where you can meet and talk with other subs. Pick up some books such as The New Bottoming Book, which will give you information on how to vet play partners and how to negotiate. The more you know, the safer you will be.
~Miss Velvet