Dear Miss Velvet,
I'm still pretty new to the kink community and I am not sure how to let people know I'm not interested. I don't really care about someone's size or weight. When I'm picking partners I'm more interested in their vibe and their interests, but I am just not interested in people who are much older than me. I'm 35 and basically anyone in their 50s or older is too old for me. I don't want that to come off as me thinking that age is gross or anything. I think it's more that those people are around my parents’ ages and that would be weird for me. Anyway, when people that age show interest I don't know how to say thanks but no, especially if they ask why. Is it appropriate and acceptable to just tell them that their age is a problem for me? Where is there a better way to say that?
Signed,
Still a Spring Chicken
Dear Chicken,
“No thank you,” is a complete sentence. You do not need to give your reasons. You do not owe anyone an explanation. In fact, it is good practice to give minimal explanation for a “no” for a couple of reasons. First, you are training those around you to respect your no without expecting to hear why. Second, there are those who will view your explanation as something for them to overcome, which grows tiresome very quickly; don’t give them any ammunition. There will still be those who push back; they are kindly giving you a signal that they are unsafe to play with, as they are unable to respect your boundaries.
Playing kink games safely depends on one’s ability and willingness to advocate for oneself, which includes saying, “no.” It is a difficult thing for many of us, even some who have been in the community for a while; but saying it plainly,succinctly, and often when the stakes are low (say, declining a drink in a public social situation) will make it easier to say it when the stakes are higher (say, calling red when you have reached a limit in a play scene).
Furthermore, many people observe those they are interested in long before making any overtures. Being willing to speak up for yourself in public situations demonstrates your agency and that you do not expect people to read your mind. This is attractive to ethical kinksters who prefer to play within everyone’s limits.
~Miss Velvet