Dear Miss Velvet,
Are doms allowed to use safe words? I am the Dom in my relationship. The other day my partner and I were playing, and she started to get really bratty and do things that she knows I don’t like and am not comfortable with. I was taken aback, as that is not how we usually play. As she started going faster and rougher, I started to get really overwhelmed by it all and told her to stop. Never having had experience with it before, I did not know what else I was supposed to do to get my sub to behave. I am not 100% sure she heard me, but she didn’t stop. I was kind of freaked out at this point and felt really overwhelmed and almost scared, so I used our safeword. The next thing I remember is waking up the next morning to my partner yelling at me about what had happened. She said that only the sub is supposed to use the safeword and that I was wrong for saying it because it should only be used for real emergencies. In the moment I argued back, but now I’m starting to doubt if I was in the right.
Signed,
To Safeword or not to Safeword
Dear Safeword,
Do not worry; safewords are for everyone! They are not reserved for submissives, bottoms, or any other right-side-of-the-slash person. Further, safewords are not reserved for emergencies (and anyway who gets to decide what a “real” emergency is?) Using a safeword is for that moment when anyone involved in the scene needs for things to stop for any reason. In that moment you described that person was you; you were right to have used your safeword!
It is worrisome that your partner violated your negotiated boundaries - or at the very least pushed them to a place she knows you do not wish to play - and then ignored your attempts to bring her back to where you are comfortable. She left you with few options other than to safeword.
Even more worrisome is her reaction. Typically, after a safeword is used and all play is stopped, the next thing that happens is that partners check in with each other to make sure that the person who used it is okay and that they feel safe. It sounds like she did not do that or help you work through what led you to use your safeword. She did not care for you or comfort you or otherwise help you through what was certainly a rough experience. Instead, she berated you and caused you to question your decision.
Based on your description of events, your partner is not a safe person for you. Not for play and not for your emotional health. She pushes you past your comfort zone and belittles you for wanting to maintain your boundaries. If she were the top in this situation, there would be no question that these behaviors are wrong. This should serve as enormous red flags you should not ignore.
Going forward, take some classes on consent. Take some classes on power exchange. Look for ways to learn to embrace your dominance in a way that enriches your play without overwhelming either of you. Keep in mind that this is supposed to be fun for everyone involved.
~Miss Velvet Steele