Dear Miss Velvet,
So my partner and I engage in CNC quite often and both really enjoy it. It's not always a full out scene but a lot of the time he will tell me things like”'just take it” or “you can't stop me” while I'm somewhat trying to resist or tell him no. There will be times when he tries to initiate sex, and I tell him no or I do not want to and he starts using this kind of talk telling me “You're going to take it anyways.” He feels that because we do engage in CNC, I should use the safe word if I don't want to engage in sex. My problem is that I have a hard time using my safe word despite his encouragement. I feel like I am disappointing him and myself. I feel the safe word should only be used if I'm truly being pushed beyond my limits and I cannot tolerate it any longer. Part of me feels as though I am being manipulated into having sex with him when I say no and he falls into the CNC play. But I've always thought that this is on me and I should just use the safe word despite feeling disappointed in myself if I say it. I guess I am just looking for some advice on how to navigate this situation.
Signed,
CNC Blues
Dear Blue,
To those unfamiliar with it, consensual non-consent (CNC) play can seem both oxymoronic and scary, but it pushes all the buttons for some folks into BDSM. It can run the gamut from hypnosis, to “kidnapping,” to rape-fantasy. Many report that it taps into their primal urges, and others relish in the taking of or forceful giving up of control. Whatever it does for you, it sounds like when you are in the mood, the two of you are on the same page.
There is another term called free-use, wherein a person is always available sexually to their partner, regardless of what else may be going on. While this, combined with CNC, seems to be a good fit for what he wants, my impression is you would like to be able to unload the dishwasher or read a book or any other number of things undisturbed. The bottom line is that you all are in a place of mismatched desires, which calls for a detailed discussion between the two of you.
First off, listen to your gut that tells you that you are being manipulated; that ick you feel is real. When you tell him you are reluctant to use your safeword, and his reaction is to tell you to do so or he will keep going, he is using your reluctance as license to do what he wants without repercussions. You have told him that safewording, for you, is the nuclear option to be saved for dire circumstances, and his refusal to accept anything less means he is okay pushing you to that point. In effect, he is diminishing the consent part of consensual non-consent. I would carefully consider whether or not you want to continue a relationship with such a man.
If you decide to stay, and if you are able to talk about this with him and get him to understand his problematic stance, and if you are able to move past the hurt he has already caused, you have more talking to do. Discuss what you like about CNC play, as well as what doesn’t work for you about it. Trust is such a foundational element of this type of play, talk about what each of you needs to feel safe playing. Are there any particular times or places or situations that you already know are off-limits for you? What about words or activities: can he call you whatever comes to his mind, can he tie you up, can he hit you?
Because you are not on board with free use, nor are you likely to use your safeword, you need another way to communicate about your availability in the moment. A verbal cue such as offering him something (e.g. a cup of coffee) would invite him to initiate, while saying you are not in the mood for it would let him know this isn’t a good time without rising to the level of safewording. Another option could be a visual cue of some sort, whether it be a gesture or an article of clothing or something hanging on the wall. Whatever you think of, make sure you both fully understand the meaning of the cue. If he misses or ignores a cue that says you are unavailable, it is absolutely appropriate that you use your safeword and discuss what happened. Indeed a post-play discussion of what went right or wrong or even just fell flat is a good idea, either as part of your after-care or sometime later. Include planning for it in your negotiations.
It is wonderful you have found a way to play that you enjoy; putting a container around it that both you and your partner understand and respect will help draw you closer and build trust. You can always stretch the boundaries once you feel safe, but it is more difficult to feel safe once you have felt violated.
~Miss Velvet Steele