Dear Miss Velvet,
I have been in a Daddy/girl relationship for a while, which has not included BDSM, though he has been into it most of his life. I am new to the whole idea, and I recently told him I would like to try including some of that in our sex life. Not long after, he covered my mouth while he was fucking me. In the moment, I found it exciting and a turn on, and I told him as much. Later on, upon reflection, I realized I was uncomfortable with it and tried to talk to him about my confusion. I wanted and needed his support, but he became sad and said he had trusted this was something I wanted and that he felt betrayed by my reaction. He said he did it for me and showed vulnerability doing it, and me not liking and feeling uncomfortable with it made him feel rejected and betrayed. I want to be understanding and supportive, but two months passed without him talking about it or supporting me, and when we did talk about it, it turned into an argument. He is so upset that I didn’t like something he did during sex such that I feel violated and like I can’t trust him as a Daddy. Am I in the wrong?
Signed,
Brokenhearted babygirl
Dear babygirl,
You are right that you need to have a conversation, one that centers on trust. You feel that you can’t trust him because he is shutting you out and not comforting you in your confusion, and he feels that he can’t trust you because he cannot count on your in-the-moment reporting being accurate and truthful. Feeling rejected and betrayed are understandable reactions on his part. After all, he continued to play because of the encouragement he received from you. If he cannot trust that that is true, and if he wants to ensure he doesn’t harm you, how can he even consider reengaging in that way?
This goes beyond him being upset that you didn’t like something; he feels threatened and unsafe engaging in this kind of play with you. While it is fairly common for people new to BDSM to have after-the-fact qualms or second thoughts about what they have just done - even when they enthusiastically enjoyed it in the moment - that change of heart can sound like a retroactive withdrawal of consent. Yes, you need help working through your discomfort, but he also needs reassurance that this is something you are reconsidering rather than an accusation of having been mistreated.
I say all this not to tell you that you are in the wrong, but rather to shed some light on his reaction. Having said that, one of the foundational elements of BDSM is communication, and you have been trying to do just that. Two months is a long time to refuse to discuss something so important. It sounds like the way you have been approaching him has triggered his defenses so that he is unable to hear you. Try approaching him one more time, first by reassuring him that you are confused about your later reaction, not the act of him putting his hand over your mouth. If you can show him that you understand where he is coming from, perhaps he will be able to hear where you are coming from.
If you find yourself at an impasse, consider if he listens to your other needs, or if his defensiveness keeps you from being able to express yourself. Then consider what that means for the future of your relationship.
~Miss Velvet Steele