Dear Miss Velvet,
My wife and I have been together for 4 years, and in the past 8 months or so, we have been exploring kink together. I am really unsure of where my kinks lie, but it is quite clear that she loves pain. I have been slowly working up to finding her pain limit, and tonight I caused her back to bleed. To be clear, it was consensual, and in the heat of the moment, I dug my nails a bit too deep into her back. While I did rather enjoy it - and she had no complaints - I feel some guilt for enjoying it. I enjoy control, and she loves to submit, but I am unclear on what is excessive as we test our boundaries and figure out what we like and don’t like. Can you help us?
Signed,
Diggin’ the Doin’
Dear Diggin',
How exciting that you are traveling down this road together, and it sounds like thus far the things you enjoy are dovetailing together nicely. As far as what is excessive, one person’s hard limit is another person’s Tuesday night, so that can be difficult to quantify. It appears you are already conscious of the importance of consent and respecting boundaries, both of which are key to a healthy kink relationship. As long as you are communicating clearly, not just your desires and fantasies but also about your experience of your play together, you will find the level of play that works for you both. While you are learning, you are wise to move slowly; bumping up against a limit can be exciting; pushing through it can cause harm.
As for feeling guilty for your enjoyment of inflicting pain, that is a common feeling for sexual sadists. Keep in mind that you clearly wish to limit the pain you inflict to the level of pain your wife wishes to feel. You are not running around in the streets harming anyone you can, but rather you are providing your masochistic wife with exactly what wants; and you are conscious of protecting her from real harm where you can. When negotiating with your wife, be sure to discuss aftercare that will reassure you she is okay and happy with your play, whether it happens immediately after your scene and/or in the days that follow. It is apparent that you are making sure to take care of her; don’t forget to take care of yourself, as well.
In your quest to explore your kinks, consider venturing out into the local kink community, if there is one where you live. You will find munches where you can talk to others about your interests, classes that will teach you skills and how to mitigate risk, and discussions about various aspects of kink. If you haven’t looked online yet, there you will find a tremendous number of resources from articles, to videos, to online classes. Happy trails, and enjoy your explorations!
~Miss Velvet Steele