Dear Miss Velvet,
I’ve been interested in BDSM for years but have little real life experience. After ending a long-term relationship that included mostly mainstream kink activities like hair-pulling, ass-slapping, pet names, that sort of thing, I find myself wanting to explore different types of pain and implements, levels of pain, day to day D/s dynamics, and different kinks.
I have been seeing a more experienced Domme with whom I have amazing sexual chemistry and have learned a lot about myself, including that I have a very high pain tolerance. Through discussions of moving our relationship toward a D/s dynamic, she has expressed concern that my people-pleasing tendencies and ease of entering subspace will lead to her inadvertently crossing some of my boundaries.
I am in therapy and actively working on learning to set and maintain emotional boundaries, but I wonder if part of the problem with S&M play is that I just don’t have enough experience to know when I have reached my limit and should use my safeword. I trust her to look out for me and my best interests, and I want her to trust that I am looking out for them, too. Would it be out of line for me to suggest having a non-scene session, free from the heat-of-the-moment excitement, where we test out different levels of pain with various implements so I can determine where my limits lie?
Signed,
Limitless Possibilities
Dear Limitless,
While I don’t believe such a request would be out of line, I am not sure it would really be helpful. One’s limits can vary wildly with changes in endorphin and other hormone levels, changes in the environment (temperature, location, surrounding activity or lack thereof), mindset, emotional state, etc. All that variability means that what is easy-peasy for you to take one day could be a terrible ordeal another. This is why your Domme cannot rely merely on what you have done in the past, but she also needs to be able to trust that you will both effectively communicate and use your safeword when you need to.
The fact that she is approaching play with you with caution is a good sign. It means she takes the responsibility of topping for this sort of play seriously and that she is committed to keeping you safe from harm. Responsible tops want their play partners to have agency, meaning they are aware of their own limits and boundaries and will speak up on their own behalf. People without this quality put their play partners in a precarious position of having to guess at where those limits and boundaries lie.
The concept of agency is not limited to BDSM, but is applicable to everyday life. Speaking up is difficult and is made even more so when flooded with endorphins. If she sees you cannot set and maintain your boundaries with someone at the grocery store, how can she trust you will be able to do it in a scene? Practice, improve, and demonstrate this skill consistently, and you will begin to allay her fears.
While you are working on that, when you do play, spend some time after your scenes discussing how you experienced the scene, including what worked and didn’t work for each of you. Being able to verbalize that will reassure her that you are aware of what is going on inside of you when you play, as well as show her that you are willing to discuss the negative as well as the positive. Openness and honesty are essential to minimizing risk in play and building trust between partners.
Seeing consistency in your exercise of agency combined with direct and honest communication will begin to earn her trust that you are a safe play partner. Then she will be able to slowly push your limits without fear of pushing too far, and you all will find a level of play (and a level of pain) where you are both comfortable playing.
~Miss Velvet Steele