Dear Miss Velvet,
Like lots of kinky folks I love to go play parties. Sometimes I have a scene and partner in mind, but sometimes I show up just looking to see what develops. Most of the time, that leads to a pleasant evening of flirting, talking with acquaintances, and meeting new folks for next time. The last few times I have been at a party, a certain someone (let’s call him MB) has expressed interest in playing with me.
MB is a nice enough person, but I just don’t feel that thing that I’m looking for when I connect with folks to play with. The last time he asked to play, it was about a kind of play I don’t enjoy; so I was able to just decline for that reason. I fear that at some point, he’s going to ask me to do some sort of play that I do enjoy, something he may have seen me engage in with someone else, so it won’t be as easy to defer again. Is there a graceful way for me to say no thank you that won’t hurt MB’s feelings or be rude? I feel like the longer I wait, the more likely it will be socially awkward.
SIgned,
Sorry it’s not me, it’s you
Dear Sorry,
Unbalanced interest between people is such an unpleasant and awkward situation for all involved. You are kind to want to gracefully decline his advances, and I agree that sooner is better than later. Keep in mind that no matter how gently you try to let him down, your disinclination to play with him will surely sting.
You could try to head the whole thing off at the pass by steering a discussion toward the sort of connection you need to feel to play with someone. Along the way, you could mention that you are so grateful to have a friend like him with whom you can discuss such things, one who won’t take it as an invitation or advance. I will caution you, though, that hope springs eternal, so he may not understand that you are discouraging him.
If his unwanted overture does arrive, being clear in your refusal is the best course of action. While you don’t want to be cruel, you also don’t want to leave room for him to imagine that the possibility remains open. Let him know that although you think he’s a great guy, you don’t feel that connection with him. Be brief and to the point. Do not explain further or give him reasons you don’t feel the connection. First, they could be hurtful; and second, he might see them as obstacles to be overcome. Once you’ve said your piece, find an excuse to walk away so he can lick his wounds privately. Refilling your drink or needing to use the bathroom are both good excuses.
If he moves past this event gracefully, you may have found yourself a new friend to hang out with at these parties. If he reacts badly, you will know that you dodged a bullet and that he is henceforth someone to avoid.
~Miss Velvet Steele