Dear Miss Velvet,
I’m having a poly, jealousy, D/s issue I need some help with. I have a friend from the swinging world with whom I hang out from time to time; he is also familiar with some of the protocols particular to the BDSM world. On a couple of occasions, I have taken each of my subs to hang out with him for the evening. Following those meetings, he reached out to them to see if they wanted to get together with him. He did not reach out to me, as their erstwhile D-type, to ask if I was open to him communicating with these subs. In my mind, before reaching out to a sub in a committed relationship, someone should approach the sub’s Dom and find out if such contact is permissible.
Am I wrong in thinking he should have reached out to me first to see if I was okay with it? Both girls talked to me about it, but they seemed to be informing me rather than asking permission, both within negotiated dynamics which I believed to be total power exchange dynamics. I am thinking of asking them each if they really want to be in a dynamic with me and am also considering ending those dynamics, but I don’t want to act out of jealousy or anger. Can you help me untangle this web?
Displeased Dom
Dear Displeased Dom,
I agree with you that your swinging friend should have reached out to you before contacting your girls directly. Even if he did not know you were the in-charge person in those relationships, he did know they were each in partnership with you. Out of respect for your friendship, checking in to make sure you were okay with him showing interest in them would have been the honorable thing to do.
Having been the recipients of his overtures, what should the girls have done? Well, that would depend on your negotiated dynamic, but it sounds as if you all are not on the same page. Do they also believe they are in a total power exchange dynamic? Have you discussed what the term “total power exchange” means to each of you? Perhaps there are areas of their lives over which they would prefer to retain complete autonomy, which could include managing their other potential or existing relationships. If they do want to accede power in a particular area, how much do they want to surrender, and what does that look like?
Before you question their commitment or end those dynamics, I would sit down and have some very purposeful, in depth discussions about what each of your desires and expectations are, as well as how you define the terms you are using. These conversations will set up the practice of clear communication and discussion when unexpected situations arise. Additionally, by minimizing the assumptions about what the other is offering or asking for, you will be able to design a dynamic that meets the needs of all involved.
~Miss Velvet Steele