Dear Miss Velvet,
I like to play hard. When things feel out of my control, I like to choose to give up control. Recently, I had to end a relationship, which caused me a lot of emotional pain. Since then, in a scene with my longtime boyfriend, I found I wanted more physical pain than I usually do. It helped with my emotions, and it hit all of my sexual gratification buttons. Now I find myself worrying that craving more physical pain as a response to emotional pain might not be normal or healthy. Should I worry that I am just using my boyfriend as a tool for self-harm, or is heavy play okay in this scenario?
Pain Seeker
Dear Pain Seeker,
We all have different responses to stressors and sadness. Some people exercise to launch a flood of endorphins. Some people attack their to-do list. Some people clean. And some people turn to BDSM. While none of these can be a substitute for therapy, they can act as a release valve. Besides the feel-good hormones, they force you to stay in the moment and step away from the problem. Afterwards, it can be easier to face and address the root issues at hand. It sounds like heavy play does this for you. If you and your boyfriend both understand and consent to occasionally using your play this way, it can be a healthy coping mechanism like any other. Please make sure to discuss it with your boyfriend so that he can choose to play with informed consent.
I am concerned that you mention using your boyfriend as a tool for self-harm. If self-harm is a coping mechanism you have used in the past, it is wise to look carefully at your desire for more pain when you feel like you have less control in your life. Take some time to carefully and dispassionately reflect on this and similar experiences. Feeling a compulsion to seek out the pain, regarding your boyfriend as just a means to receiving the pain, or consistently seeking out the catharsis without doing the work to heal - all of these suggest a potentially unhealthy desire to engage in BDSM play.
If you find yourself continuing to question the role heavy play is playing in your life, I strongly recommend seeking out a kink aware counselor to help you work it out. While BDSM play can be incredibly connective and cathartic, it can be harmful for both you and your partner if you use it as a substitute for coping with or facing difficulties in your life.
~Miss Velvet Steele