Dear Miss Velvet,
I am having difficulty getting my sub into subspace. A history of parental abuse means impact doesn’t do much for him, so I tend to avoid it. Wax play takes him to the brink, but I can’t seem to get him over the edge, and it’s driving me nuts! Any thoughts on how to get him out of his head?
Desperately Seeking Subspace
Dear Desperately Seeking Subspace,
I think when we approach our play with the goal of sending our bottom into subspace, it puts pressure on all involved. That pressure, in turn, is counterproductive to the creation of the safe and trusting environment necessary for subspace to occur. With your energy focused on that outcome, the connection between you weakens, leaving both of you feeling disappointed.
Perhaps another goal could be to spend time together enjoying the intimacy and the journey, thus building a safe space where he can move into that altered state of awareness. You have shown attention to his needs by avoiding impact when playing, but the time you spend together in your daily lives is also important. The more secure he feels about your care and connection in general, the safer he will feel when you are in charge, and the more open he will be to sliding into subspace.
Keep in mind that different people experience subspace differently, with some, for instance, spellbound by sensations and others floating away in a trancelike state. Does he meditate or lose himself in a good book or fall into a deep relaxation from a massage? These are akin to the sort of letting go that happens when entering subspace, and it’s something that just doesn’t happen for some people. That’s okay! It doesn’t diminish the experience.
Something that you might find enjoyable is playing with the science behind subspace. It results from the release and buildup of endorphins, which can be manipulated with warming up, ramping up the intensity, backing off, ramping up further, backing off again, repeating this process until they are flooded with those feel-good chemicals. You might enjoy the experimentation and the responses you elicit, even when subspace is not the result; and he might enjoy the unpredictability of the experience.
In the end, you can’t get him out of his head. All you can do is provide a safe space for him where he is allowed to just be who he is and experience all the sensations in his own way.
~Miss Velvet Steele
This column first appeared in the March 2021 issue of the NLA-Dallas NewsLeather.